The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)

I couldn't find any really great pictures of the monsters anywhere on the Internet. I assure you they're much more chill-inducing in action than they are just hanging out next to a hot chick.

“The Deaths of Ian Stone” reminded me of nothing so much as an episode of “The X-Files,” but without the benefit of already having affection for the main characters. This type of nostalgic monster-of-the-week horror doesn’t bother me, but the film makes it abundantly clear early on that it’s going to answer all possible questions (rather unlike “The X-Files”), and that drains the suspense right out of it.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

 

You should really believe me when I tell you that in this movie, the mad scientist is much scarier than his monster.

 

You may think you don’t want to see “The Human Centipede: First Sequence” because of its absolutely horrific concept, all the other various horrific functions which arise from said concept, or merely because you don’t enjoy the sub-genre of horror commonly monikered “torture porn.” In reality, you don’t want to see it because it’s a shoddily-made film that undermines its horrific concept with gaping plot holes and severe logic issues. If for some reason you don’t already know what the central concept is, you should stop reading now. Spoilers will be necessary to talk about this film in any reasonable fashion.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009)

In this corner, trying hard to win your affection yet failing miserably: Our Heroes.

Remember not so long ago during the “Kick-Ass” discussion when I cautioned against using a descriptive word in your title if you couldn’t guarantee said word? You guessed it, “The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard” doesn’t deliver, um, the goods. Not by a long shot.

Kick-Ass (2010)

Spoiler alert! She's the best thing in the movie!

If you’re going to take the step of naming your movie after a popular adjective, you should probably also take steps to ensure that your movie lives up to said adjective. Too often in the case of “Kick-Ass,” it does not.